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Heard on the Hill: Fish Tank Takes Down Burglar

On April 30, the district office of Rep. Jim Gerlach (R-Pa.) was the last stop in a strip-mall crime spree.

The alleged perp, 21-year-old Joshua A. Delaney, hit six businesses in the Wyomissing mall before reaching the Congressman’s office.

Amazingly, Delaney’s rampage was brought down by a Gerlach staffer’s 10-gallon fish tank, Press Secretary Kori Walter tells HOH.

The laws of physics were working against Delaney as he tried to lift the tank. “The fish tank was his downfall,” Walter says.

The tank apparently broke in Delaney’s arms, severely injuring him. Thinking quickly, he tried to furnish a tourniquet from a dress shirt hanging in the office. When that didn’t work, Delaney tried to administer first aid in the office bathroom. The gore soon proved too much for him, so he walked down the street to a nearby hotel bar and ordered himself two shots.

No constituent files or records were compromised by the fish tank burglar, Walter assures HOH. Walter has been subpoenaed in the case and is scheduled to testify as a witness for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania on June 16.

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