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President-Elect Donald Trump Announces First Cabinet Picks

What if Trump won. (Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)
What if Trump won. (Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call File Photo)

Nov. 9, 2016, ATLANTIC CITY, N.J.  — President-elect Donald Trump announced his first cabinet selections last night, minutes after the major networks projected him as the winner in Tuesday’s election.  

Trump, who will become the nation’s 45th president when he is inaugurated in January, upset former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, winning 54 percent of the vote and carrying all the swing states. The president-elect did particularly well among older men, union members and the mentally ill. “I’m a winner and all of you are losers, and I hate losers,” Trump said to everyone who didn’t vote for him. “And that goes double for you slackers in the media,” he added.  

The incoming president surprised even his supporters when he announced he had no plans to rebrand the White House as the Trump White House & Casino. In fact, Trump said he won’t live in the White House at all, but instead will reside in the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas .  

“It’s a really great property, with a terrific spa and first-class service,” said the president-elect, who told reporters that instead of being called President Trump, he would prefer to simply be called “The Donald.”  

“We’ve had a lot of loser presidents, and, frankly, I don’t want to be associated with them. I’m first and foremost The Donald, and I’m a winner,” he said, noting, as he did throughout his campaign, that he had never been captured by the North Vietnamese.  

Trump has promised to fill his Cabinet with “winners,” so perhaps his selection of former Minnesota Gov. Jesse “The Body” Ventura as secretary of State was not so remarkable.  

“Let’s see how Putin or those Mexicans react when they have to sit across the table from Jesse,” laughed Trump, adding that Ventura, who won multiple professional wrestling championships , has agreed to wear wrestling trunks and a boa during all negotiations with foreign diplomats. “We’ll scare the crap out of them,” The Donald said.  

The president-elect announced he would name his daughter, Ivanka, to the nation’s top economic job, secretary of the Treasury.  

“Nobody knows more about making money than I do, and I taught Ivanka everything I know,” said Trump, who acknowledged he made the choice in part because his daughter recently converted to Judaism . “That will really piss off ISIS. Screw them. They’re idiots,” the president-elect said.  

Trump’s selection of Carlos Irwin Estevez as secretary of Health and Human Services was widely seen as a peace offering to Hispanics. The selection of Estevez, better known by his stage name, Charlie Sheen (#winning, #tigerblood), was immediately criticized by members of both political parties. Trump defended the selection by noting Sheen had the personal experiences to qualify him for the job.  

“Look, you meatheads, Charlie is a winner, an upstanding guy who knows a hell of a lot about substance abuse, divorce, family issues and weirding people out,” The Donald said. “We’ve tried putting politicians into these high positions, and look where it got us. Charlie can and will tell it like it is. If you don’t like it, you’re a loser. And I don’t like losers. Didn’t I tell you that already?”  

The Donald said he would reveal additional Cabinet picks when he is ready, “not when you morons in the media want me to.”  

Trump and his vice-president-elect, Kim Kardashian, announced they would immediately begin a major national tour to thank voters for their support and rally the country around his agenda, which includes “telling it like it is” and acting tough.  

The trip will include stops at all of Trump’s hotel and resort properties around the world. Tickets will be available through Ticketmaster and are expected to go on sale before the weekend. Trump’s press secretary, Ted Cruz, indicated there would be various pricing levels for the events.  

Trump also announced he will produce his own syndicated version of “The Apprentice” in the spring. The format of the show, called “Presidential Apprentice” and airing live from the Oval Office each week, will be similar to the one used in his NBC program, except this time Trump will fire high-level government officials on camera.  

Later this week, the president-elect will announce his selection for chief of staff. Sources say he will tap Omarosa Manigault, citing her people skills and political acumen.


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