We’re so excited about this weekend’s bipartisan retreat at the Greenbrier! (Did you know it has a nuclear fallout shelter!?) We just wanted to pass along some important information about the event and a few last-minute changes in the program. Everything is still tentative — that is, except for our resolve to add new civility recommendations to the ones that were discarded promptly after the last retreat (lol!). It’s Annenberg’s dime; let’s enjoy this. — Ray (“Gumby”) and Charlie (“Boots”)

SECURITY: Good news … Speaker Hastert once again plans to spend only about an hour at the retreat, during which time he will lock himself in a room and watch television. This should reduce the need for enhanced protection around the Greenbrier campus. Bear in mind that we plan to crack down on pranking this year (we’re looking at you, John Sweeney …). We don’t want to see a repeat of the “Brad Sherman incident” that spoiled the last day at Hershey. We also ask that no one sing La Marseillaise during skit night, lest you be mistaken for an actual Frenchman. Let’s keep it safe.

For our protection, the Sergeant-at-Arms office has directed the Capitol Police to carefully monitor Pete Stark during the break-out sessions. But we can’t guarantee he won’t insult you. Watch out!

ACTIVITIES: As you all know, the theme for this retreat is: “Capital Grille: One Thing We Can All Agree On.” Each of you should already have been given an opposite Member’s road project to support. In your welcome baskets you will find “cooperation cards.” These will be the sole form of currency at the Greenbrier. If you want to eat, you’d better cooperate! Extra cards will be provided to Members who agree to cosponsor the ISTEA reauthorization.

By the way, we are still planning to hold the ceremonial burning of the dilatory tactics manual on the last night of the retreat, weather permitting.

In keeping with the nonpartisan spirit of the retreat, we have taken pains to bring in Hollywood entertainers who are not compromised by affiliations with either political party. We have failed. However, the event will still feature a “no-money-down” real estate seminar with Carlton Sheets and a motivational talk from the San Diego Chicken.

PRESS: Remember, the press is not our enemy; it’s just the source of all our problems. If you would like to play golf, drink beer and enjoy time with your family, check the box marked “no press” on the attached menu of services. If you would like to have contact with the press, just nudge aside Rep. Kucinich.

Important: In the off chance you face questions about attendance, we recommend you keep your answers vague. Possibilities: “Look, I’m no accountant …” or, “Well, clearly it’s enough Members to stage a wildly successful — if underfunded — event.”

Also important: When Kay Jamison releases the newest report showing vast improvement in civility among House lawmakers, try not to dissolve in laughter.

[IMGCAP(2)] — Ethan Wallison