The four remaining GOP presidential hopefuls will take their mesmerizing floor show to Mesa, Ariz., tonight for the eleventy-billionth televised debate. And if we were going to pick the buzzword guaranteed to get us wasted — if one were going to engage in a totally inappropriate drinking-oriented game — it would absolutely be “abortion.”

Granted, we could also take the term “female reproductive rights.” But that takes much longer to say and might therefore not be repeated as often, subsequently impeding our ability to get totally blotto and (hopefully) make it through another torturous litany of campaign doublespeak.

But we digress.

The women of the Second City Network have certainly taken notice. Which is why they’ve raced to embrace former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum’s “no matter what” philosophy:

“Saturday Night Live” is a little less forgiving, laying into Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) and Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell (R) for attempting to unilaterally dictate fertility rights for all:

Finally, “Funny or Die” did some legwork and tracked down the magical, mystical box of Bayer aspirin that Santorum’s conservative sugar daddy, Foster Friess, pitched as his preferred form of contraception.

Ladies, these guys have got you covered.