Know Your Drinking Fauna

Posted July 18, 2012 at 12:01am

Capitol Hill has made drinking a way of life, so when GQ magazine recently compiled a list of characters to avoid during happy hour, we at HOH grabbed a couple of staffers and a loquacious bouncer to create this public service list of some of the Hill’s own happy hour characters.


I Run This Place Guy

Wide-Eyed Intern Kid
These young ones are only in town for a few months and have their fake IDs ready. They slide into the back of the bar before the bouncer gets to work. Sometimes they show their House or Senate badges as ID.

I Don’t Realize It, but I’m Too Old for This Place Guy
These men have a white-knuckled grip on their 20-something drinking holes. Giveaways: high-end drinks, gray hair.

Book-Smart, Socially Uncomfortable Drinkers
These smart, sometimes powerful people stick to themselves and keep a watchful gaze on their smartphones. They always, always talk about their jobs.

This Is My Jam! Drinkers
This guy hears the first few bars from the jukebox, closes his eyes, does a deep backbend and pumps his fist. “Moves like Jagger?!” he trills. “Get out of here! This is my JAM!”

The Friskies
These mid-30s or older women are not necessarily cougars because they don’t care how old their conquests are. They hold tight their sweating gin-and-tonics, flip their hair and gaze through their lashes to bait their prey.

Low Self-Esteem Lady
This lady drinks whatever is brought to her. She makes decisions poorly — but with gusto. Some nights she can be found sharing a bathroom stall with a new friend, and she’s bought the Brooklyn Bridge more than once.

Low Self-Esteem Guy
This guy buys rounds of shooters with “bomb” in the title. He doesn’t realize folks appreciate his credit card, not him.

Is He Sniffing Her Hair? Guy
A common, if little-known character. He’s lonely and doesn’t know how to approach a woman. When one does get close, though, he closes his eyes and breathes in deep.

The Lindsay Lohander
When happy hour turns into late night, the Lohander shoots in and out of the bathroom with great speed and frequency. The Lohander talks and talks, while bouncers and bartenders ignore the smudges on her face. During winter months, the Lohander does a face-plant and becomes the seasonal Snowbanker.