Anthony Weiner’s Wide World of Aliases
Ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., is back in the news again after yet another online paramour came forth with tales of social-media-enabled sexy talk and for-your-eyes-only crotch shots.
And while no one should be shocked to learn that Weiner, who is attempting a comeback by running for mayor of New York, was unable to keep it in his pants after resigning from Congress/begging his terribly put-upon wife, Huma Abedin, to stick with him, the latest fun from his adventures in infidelity is that Weiner conducted this round of skeevy activities under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” (Subconsciously want to get caught, much …)
Don’t get us wrong: Carlos Danger is a pretty rad alias.
Cartoony as hell. But definitely fun.
Still, we couldn’t help wonder what other identities Weiner could have adopted for his digital dalliances.
The New Band Name Generator (pictured above) — which we set to “hardcore” (‘natch) — coughed up some amazingly apropos options, including: “Weiner Dagger” (too easy), “Breaking the Scarred Weiner” (give it time) and “Weiner Event” (come one, come all).
Sans the ability to quiz him (Weiner’s not doing too many interviews these days) about the name of his first pet or the street he grew up, we turned to the Porn Star Name Generator for advice on what moniker he should assume if he decides to pursue extramarital fornicating as a career. The verdict: Harley Jammer. (I’d be “Captain Slamm,” in case any skin flicks are looking for new talent.)
Oddly enough, even embracing the Lord is unlikely to save Weiner from shedding the taint of carnal scorn. So sayeth the Evangelist Name Generator, which spat out “Reverend Ike T. Horney” when polled about Weiner’s prospective pulpit persona.
His shadowy demeanor apparently stretches far beyond our earthly understanding, as evidenced by the fact that even in the fantasy realm of “Game of Thrones” he’d be shunned as “Smuggler” Davos Westerling.
The sad reality is that Weiner couldn’t seem to catch a break in most of the goofy generators we slid his increasingly troubled nomenclature into.
Save for one.
The Wu-Tang Name Generator gave Weiner the benefit of the doubt, dubbing him “Smilin’ Artist.” Then again, the Wu machine suggested Huma Abedin try “Foolish Knight” on for size.