MEMORANDUM TO: Democratic presidential candidates, staff, media, pundits, volunteers, observers and assorted hangers on

FROM: Zell Miller, Southerner

RE: Coming South

There are a lot of Southern sayings about dogs down here. I have listed a few below and their translation to help you out-of-towners. If you insist on reading further and find it crude or raw, as we say in the South, I apologize. Just carrying on the critically acclaimed tradition of Southern writers such as Tennessee Williams and Erskine Caldwell.

1. “That dog won’t hunt.” This is perhaps the best-known dog saying in the South, and it means that the plan or the person is unacceptable. It could well apply to a number of the Democratic candidates and their tax-raising, peacenik platforms.

2. “He’s a hard dog to keep under the porch.” This refers to someone who is hard to control or unpredictable. Like Howard Dean, for example. Or Al Sharpton.

3. “The hit dog barks.” This means the guilty one automatically responds. For example, you could ask this group, “Aren’t you too liberal?” And they would answer quickly and in unison, “Nope, not me.”

4. “The sun don’t shine on the same dog’s rear all the time.” This means that John Kerry will not win all the primaries.

5. “He’s dogging it.” This means that the person is lazy or not trying hard. You cannot say this about any of these candidates. They are all paying the price.

6. “A dog.” Of inferior quality. Not a good product. This could apply to some of the positions these candidates have taken on the war, and all of the positions they have taken on taxes.

7. “A junkyard dog.” They guard junkyards and are very ill-tempered. Down here, Howard Dean will be called a junkyard dog.

8. “A neutered dog leaves no pups.” This means that the next litter of Democrats in 2008 will not have the same disposition and they will no longer be like that RCA dog who cocks his ear only to his left-leaning master’s voice.

9. “The He-Dog.” In Boston, this is called the Alpha male. It’s what these candidates are striving to be. Down here, it’s what George W. Bush already is.

10. And then there is this final one: “Let’s pee on the fire and call in the dogs.” That, dear friends, means the hunt is over. Go home.

Sen. Zell Miller is a Democrat from Georgia.