A couple of facts about former Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.): He thinks former Speaker and GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich (Ga.) has gained weight, and he doesn’t love being a former Member.

In an email blast that went out earlier this week, Grayson tells his supporters that he is returning to the “scene of the crime,” which is to say he will be visiting the floor of the House this week, to advocate on their behalf. About what? He doesn’t say — in fact, in his email he asks what he should say.

You know who else advocates on behalf of other people? Lobbyists. Still, they aren’t allowed to lobby on the House floor, so maybe this is different? (Who knows? Rules are hard like math.)

Grayson writes in the email: “One of the few ‘perks’ of former Members of the House — pretty much the only one, actually — is that we can go to the Floor of the House whenever the House is in session.” Come on, dude. That cannot be the only perk. Don’t you get to wear fancy cuff links or something?

He then goes on to talk about Gingrich, which makes very little sense to us.

“By way of background,” he writes, “Newt Gingrich went on Fox News and called me ‘fundamentally dishonorable.’ Twice. In case you didn’t hear him the first time.” Apparently, candidates are now using email lists to work through their feelings. By January they will be robocalling millions just to chat.

Grayson goes on to accuse Gingrich of smelling like matches, which means he’s the devil, which he isn’t because for sure the devil would be higher in the polls.

So the email boils down to this: Gingrich said something mean about Grayson, and Grayson called him fat. How it is that a fourth-tier presidential candidate and a former one-term Congressman found each another in order to generate a spat of such mind-boggling insignificance is, well, it’s why we believe in fate.