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Mustache Lobby Digs Into Discrimination

The furry-lipped folks behind the American Mustache Institute are so certain that those with facial hair lead fuller and more productive lives that they’re hitting the road to chronicle the state of the ‘stache in the modern workplace.

As part of their fact-finding mission, the group — which first popped up on our radar after an aide to cookie-duster sporting former Rep. Roscoe Bartlett, R-Md., got drawn into a procedural firestorm — has launched an online poll seeking to discern whether the general public assumes that the mustachioed amongst us are otherwise gifted (exhibiting, for example, exceptional professionalism, athleticism or a really impressive grip):


The AMI has also anointed the first batch of “mustache positive employers” — a roster occupied by no-brainers such as Harley Davidson Motors and the St. Louis Rams, as well as some real eyebrow raisers.

“The Limited has a relatively poor track record of employing Mustached Americans but their companies/brands have inspired the hipster movement that drives a portion of our culture,” ex-AMI President Aaron Perlut explained to HOH.

Current AMI head Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove vowed to ferret out the truth about the whiskered workers of America during his weeklong swing through the newly christened “Mustache Belt” (St. Louis, Nashville, Tenn., Louisville, Ky., Indianapolis, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Cleveland and Pittsburgh).

“The American people understand that living a sexually-dynamic Mustached American lifestyle is not a choice, but a civil liberty,” Causgrove asserted in a release.

Apart from sporting facial hair year-round (‘natch), AMI supporters are obliged to toe the line by: championing the controversial ‘Stache ACT ($250 tax cut for grooming supplies), petition President Barack Obama to grow a mustache before leaving office (“to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent”) and shame the bare-cheeked into manning up.

“Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism,” AMI warns.

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