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Blotto Intern Falls Hard for Paul Ryan

(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call)
(Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call)

A well-in-his-cups intern sparked a pseudo manhunt on Capitol Hill today, as staff from the office of a House Republican tried to contain a stumbling, bumbling aide apparently dead set on getting some face time with his dream guy, ex-GOP vice presidential pick and current House Budget Chairman Paul D. Ryan.

Per an email circulated internally by an intern wrangler for the House Republican, the drama began when the wasted youth moseyed into work a few hours late, still stinking of the night before.

Things only got hairier once the underage boozehound began proclaiming his love for the Wisconsin Republican and then raced off to try to catch a glimpse of the P90X devotee at work.

It’s unclear from the detailed account (see below), whether our intoxicated adventurer planned to stalk Ryan at today’s House Budget Committee hearing (poverty update), or if he mistakenly believed Ryan might show for the Ways and Means Committee dive into the social safety net (the 2 p.m. kickoff there seems to be much more in sync with the late start/three-hour hearing lead time the flustered staffer describes in her morning mayhem recap):

I’m going to trust everyone with this little tidbit, because I think it might brighten a few days and if anyone saw an intern wandering around with only one shoe on this morning, they have a right to know why. But with great power comes great responsibilities, my fellow listers.

This morning one of my interns (who is under 21) came in about 2 hours late, absolutely hammered, reeking of booze, wearing the same clothes that he had on yesterday. He wandered the legislative area, slurring about how he was in love with Paul Ryan *elected official mentioned* and can’t wait to see *him* at a hearing later today. Further crude conversation ensued that ended only when he abruptly ran out of our office to get in line for the aforementioned hearing (which was in about 3 hours). Allegedly, his plan was to find a “smokeshow” (in the spirit of list-lingo, wasn’t the word he actually used) at the front of the line to flirt with in order to cut and get in.

After an in-office powwow, we realized that no, we weren’t all crazy and yes, he is beyond drunk. My LC went after him before any further damage could be done but he was too late. It seems upon his arrival to the hearing room, our dear intern was the first in line (go figure). Having no one to “save his spot” he simply left one of his shoes there as a place-saver and went down to Longworth for some breakfast. When he returned, breakfast burrito in hand and one shoe on his foot, he discovered that he was indeed still first in the non-existent line, but his poor, abandoned shoe was nowhere to be found. That’s when my LC found him – in a heated discussion with a nearby janitor regarding the whereabouts of his “stolen” shoe.

Needless to say, he was promptly sent home to sleep it off and I’m down an intern for the remainder of the summer (not that I’m crying over it).

*Slow clap for the summer interns*

Either way, here’s hoping our lovelorn friend at least gets his shoe back.

He’ll probably need it to stand in the unemployment line.