Let Uncle Sam Handle Breakfast

Posted February 24, 2015 at 12:40pm

If, as campaigning politicians love to posit, it is, in fact, perpetual morning in America, what better way to greet the day than with unabashedly patriotic cooking utensils?  

The meal-minded manufacturers at Germany-based Brainstream have cooked up just such a device: the Patriotic BeepEgg.  


The musically enabled egg timer — shrouded, of course, in a red, white and blue design scheme — plays a trio of heartstring-tugging tunes depending on the desired doneness of the corresponding poultry embryos. The handheld tool appears to be embedded with a tiny speaker that chirps out basic melodies. HOH has no stake in the BeepEgg franchise , but we can see this thing becoming No. 1 Christmas gift for conservatives (or possibly THE S.W.A.G item to show off later this week at the returning Conservative Political Action Conference) if the playlist were a bit flashier.  

Who wouldn’t hang out by the stove waiting to hear “Amazing Grace” as interpreted by a couple of dudes with electronic keyboards and a stone-cold groove in their hearts?  

Imagine the renaissance medium-boiled eggs would enjoy were they constantly queued up by Jimi Hendrix’s wildly original take on “The Star Spangled Banner.”  

And we’d all become softies if hard-boiled oeufs were introduced by Ray Charles’ heartfelt rendition of “America the Beautiful.”  

Prefer your cooking with a bit of a harder edge?  

The pitch black Rock BeepEgg queues up tinny tributes to Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water,” KISS’s “I Was Made for Lovin’ You” and Europe’s “The Final Countdown” to assist metal heads in desperate need of soft-boiled, medium and hard-boiled sustenance, respectively.  

The hot pink Disco BeepEgg chimes out Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration,” KC and the Sunshine Band’s “That’s the Way I Like It” and Indeep’s “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” for each successive boiling level.  

A 24-carat gold plated edition gently wafts Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly,” a rendition of the “Triumphal March” from Verdi’s “Aida” and Mozart’s “A Little Night Music” through one’s presumably well-appointed kitchen.  

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