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Dear Mike Pompeo: Thanks for your email

If you don’t like to think, you're in luck

Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo wrote to Stu Rothenberg, who would like to respond in kind.
Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo wrote to Stu Rothenberg, who would like to respond in kind. (Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call file photo)

I received an email from former congressman/former CIA Director/former Secretary of State/presidential wannabe Mike Pompeo last Thursday, about an hour and a half after his earlier email alerting me to the crisis on the border and the complicity of “the radical Left and liberal media,” who were ignoring the threat.

Both emails were from CAVPAC, which apparently stands for “Champion American Values,” Mike’s new committee.

In the most recent email, Mike wrote that he wants me “to be one of the first to know about our new organization,” which, he noted, “is focused on pushing back against the radical Left and doing everything in our power to Champion American Values.”

I was, of course, flattered. “One of the first?” Wow. I never expected special treatment. In fact, I wasn’t sure when I read his email that Mike remembered me. After all, I last spent an hour or so with him back on Oct. 19, 2009, when he was running for the House from Kansas’s 4th District.

My notes from that meeting show he had kind words to say about Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele AND Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, both of whom have since become strongly critical of former President Donald Trump and the GOP leadership in Congress. Smart to skip over that in announcing your new group, Mike.

Anyway, after a few sentences reminding me of his credentials and what a huge threat Democrats and liberals are to our values, Mike told me that I had been “identified” as “a top patriot and ally in our fight.” (Thank you for the helpful boldface and underlining, Mike.)

Not only that, but he offered me an “EXCLUSIVE Founding Member opportunity.” (All caps this time! Nice touch, Mike! Sometimes you need a little more than boldface and underlines.) All I need to do is send money — “by 11:59 pm tonight.” That was when this special offer to become an exclusive founding member would expire, I guess.

Mike wanted me to “chip in” $500 but wrote that I could become a founding member by contributing as little as $25. Wahoo! I’m in, baby.

As you can well imagine, I am pretty excited about the whole thing. I mean, how often do you get invited to be a founding member — no, an “EXCLUSIVE Founding Member” — of something? Pretty rare, right?

“With the radical Left imposing their anti-police, pro-tax, big government, socialist agenda on the American people, it’s more important now than ever that we unite to elect conservatives who are willing to stand up for religious freedom, pro-life values, the Second Amendment, a stronger military and the America First agenda,” wrote Mike, who apparently decided he needed to jam every bit of red meat into one sentence.

Well, we sure need to stop those anti-police socialists, don’t we? Otherwise, they might attack the Capitol or oppose medals for those D.C. and Capitol Police officers who defended the Capitol on Jan. 6.

Anyway, I really like that Mike wrote “Never Give an Inch” before he signed the email and identified himself as “70th Secretary of State, Trump Administration,” just in case I had forgotten him.

Don’t worry, Mike. I’ll never give an inch. No compromising from me. Just gridlock and partisanship and ideological buzz words. I’ll blame the liberals — er, socialists — for everything, and I’ll oppose anything they agree to, even if those ideas were negotiated by RINO Republicans. You can count on me.

But what’s the deal, Mike, identifying yourself twice in the email as the “70th Secretary of State?” Is the number special, or am I supposed to know that Cordell Hull was the 47th secretary of State, John Foster Dulles was the 52nd and Elihu Root was the 38th?

Or does 70 mean something in the world of QAnon, maybe something about pizza slices and child sex trafficking?

Don’t worry, Mike. I’m with you. I take your “Official GOP Communication” very seriously, the way I do most of the fundraising emails I receive from presidential and congressional hopefuls.

One of the things I like best about these emails is that they are filled with red meat and caricatures, so that I don’t have to think for myself about anything anymore. Thinking is hard.

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